I would be lying to myself if I said that even though I am in a healthy relationship that past don’t haunts me. I was cheated on in my relationships I have been In a verbal abuse relationship narcissist relationship and I am still healing from that.
I can say before I got in to another relationship I took time for myself to heal and get to know me again because I had to. I didn’t know who I was when I got out. Self love really is a journey. Sometimes it sneaks up in the back of my mind like is this relationship going to last do he really love me oh and my favorite when is the other shoe going to drop.
I just tell myself to breathe when I get that way because when I start to overthink it’s just plays tricks on me. I guess healing is a process and a journey that I will have to process and be in the moment. Take one day at a time.
This used to be my problem. I would never speak up oh no because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings ever and I would my feelings on the back burner. I have taken a different approach if something is bothering I am going to speak up because I am doing nothing but hurting myself.
I had a few situations where someone thought I was going to put my feelings on the back burner and I was not going to say anything about it. I did say something and I felt better. I guess I just want to be heard that’s all.
I have learned that everyone is different you know different personalities and all. I learned to adjust to people ways. Everyone is different and that’s fine. I just won’t be quiet I do pick my battles wisely. I have a thing if it bothers me in the morning I am going to speak up about it.
Being on this self love journey my goal is to protect myself and be strong and know my voice. Not in a mean way or a selfish way but I just want to matter and be heard.
When I broke off my engagement my mother was so shocked. She was just so disappointed and told me I needed to go back with him. I told her it was over and she says “Thats not what I taught you”.
She was right she taught me to never leave a relationship To stay and make it work by all means. I did in that relationship I stayed longer than I should have. I was in a sad relationship a stressful relationship. By the time I had the courage to leave my self esteem was so low.
When I told my mom I left and I moved back in With her she was on me every day. I simply had to tell my mom that taught me about the old school way of love that it’s not ok to stay in a relationship that you feel devalued.
My mom could not understand. I told my mom that I have to love myself more . She just looked at me like she could not believe what I just said. I mean the old school way is to put your man first and you come second.
I was not going to do that to myself I had already been married for twenty three years til death do us part. So I did my part. I could not stay in that relationship that was doing nothing but breaking me.
After months of not talking about going back to my relationship with ex fiancé. My mom finally told me that she was proud of me for leaving him and she gets why. I felt a relief that she said that to me.
I just choose me I have to because at the end of day I have to be okay. Yes that break up was very Hard on me but I have to be in relationship that is respectful and true. So I am teaching myself the new School way.
I started working with someone that I just said hi and bye to every morning for a whole year. My boss told us that she would be joining my coworker and I ..and we both was nervous to hear that news.
The day came that she started working with us and she sat by me which I thought it was weird because I am the loud one that is always talking and laughing so I thought I would get on her nerves.
So as the time went on she opened up and told us what was going on in her life and we were so shocked that she told us I ended up giving her some advice and helping her through it. So when she came In to work the next day she told me thank you for helping her get through this situation I was shocked yet again.
One day it was a slow worked day and she opened up and said “the reason I am like this is because I been though a lot and that’s why I don’t smile I don’t trust people”. She continued on tell me all about her childhood and all I was just shocked.
I told her after she got done telling me her life story I said “thank you for telling me”. I know how a understanding why this woman is like the way she is and she has every right. I also said to her “you never what someone has been though and why people put up walls”.
I guess don’t so quick to judge people you never know what someone has been though.
I was told this today. I was telling my coworker that I just feel down on Sundays that’s it’s been five years since my hubby past. I am still stuck there sometimes.
I was telling my coworker about how I feel on that day and she said simply said ..”That I am not only hurting my self but also the people around me”. I totally get it. I continued to tell her that I just need one day I am strong all the others days I just need one day to be to myself .
I sometimes hear Steve Harvey say “you’re not the only one!” and he is right I should be thankful that I got time with my hubby. Some families didn’t have that. I told her that I was going to try to be more active and not be stuck on Sundays. To enjoy my family.
I need to be because I do have a wonderful family and friends wonderful relationship now and I am going to try my best to be get unstuck.
Today I woke up thinking about my late husband he loved Easter I cooked and we to mass. It has not been the same since he left. I don’t know why but Easter was just his favorite.
I woke up thinking what can I do to make it a good day tomorrow. I do have three grandkids to cheer up and do a Easter egg hunt. This is first year I actually thinking about because the other years was just the beginning of Covid so that kinds of saved my feelings.
So tomorrow I am going to get up and go to the cemetery and put some flowers I know he is not there but at least it would give me a little comfort. Just a little bit. He told me to not visit him because he is not there and that his body is just a shell.
I will remember why Easter is a important day I will. Some holidays hit more than others but this always did. Grief I tell ya it will hit at the craziest times it’s been 5 years for me and my family. It’s just crazy how things go I never thought I would be a widow at the age of thirty nine but there I was going through it
A man will move mountains to see you. That’s what I always heard from my mom and friends and I have never had that in a relationship. It’s a shame I know. I was the girl that cried at every romantic movie because I knew I would never experience it.
So when I got out of the narcissist relationship I said to myself I am going to love myself and see what I like and don’t like in a relationship also take my time in my next relationship. For I can don’t be clingy and just still be my own person. I wanted to get out of the tradition of you always got to be together.
So when I met my current boyfriend I was cautious I was honestly worried about getting hurt again. He really proved himself. no matter how slow you want to take things the universe will pull two people together and fall in love.
When ever I have doubt he always prove to me that this is real. We love the same way and we have just celebrated our one year anniversary. Let me tell you something being in a relationship after being with a narcissist is a emotional rollercoaster. I had times where I was crying and scared wanting to sabotage the relationship.
Nothing seemed real. I always waiting around waiting for the other shoe to drop and to see is if it went bad but nope. Even when we disagree we handle it so well it’s amazing. It’s constantly a battle for me to remind myself that I am in a healthy relationship with someone.
They say everything in your life happens for a reason. I do feel like my heartbreak happen for a reason for the better. I think to better myself . It was a eye opener for me I think to really look and pay attention and to love and respect myself more.
I got into a relationship with someone only a year after being a widow and that relationship tore me down. My powerful voice I had the smile that I used to have was fading away in that relationship. I did not have a voice I can’t believe I actually let someone tear me down like that.
When I decided to leave yes me I could not believe I have the strength to leave even though he was because I am a Loyal person when I am in a relationship with someone I am with that person till the end no matter what. I knew I had to get out I had to break the cycle of that mind set I had.
I should be respected loved and felt safe with the person I am with I felt none of that at all. So when I left him I promised myself that I will have a voice and I will be my own person again when I get into another relationship won’t allow that person to dim my light.
Love me and respect myself because love does not hurt relationships should not be so hard that you second-guess yourself for putting someone before you. Love should be kind pure safe.